Natasha Romanov: The Spider Lady
by Aviatorman
Summary: Tony and Bruce talk Steve into visiting a sex shop with them. Steve wasn't quite prepared for what he'd find there. Warning: References to sex, dildos, sex dolls, and cross dressing.


_A.N.: Somehow, this is cheering me up after the crappy week I've had. Failed Calculus 2, my folks won't shut up about transfers, scheduling conflicts with my job and school. Then suddenly inspiration to write a story about sex toys._

_This was another inspiration from dredging tumblr and I decided to post it here because I'm working on something that refuses to be written right now_

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**Natasha Romanov: The Spider Lady**

One day Steve was going to figure out how Tony kept talking him into these things, he really was. Currently, Tony had talked both Steve and Bruce into visiting a discreet adult store that was hidden in plain sight between a ballet studio and an Indian restaurant. It rejoiced in the name "Some Enchanted Evening" and was run by a smartly dressed woman with short blonde hair and a saucy grin. Tony got a business-like nod from her, Bruce got a questioning eyebrow, and the brightly brushing Steve got a wink which only made him turn a brighter red.

"Come in for the usual, Mister Stark?" She asked, making Steve wonder just what, aside from condoms, would make Tony Stark regularly visit an deviant shop. He found out soon enough; Tony Stark was into dressup in the bedroom. He had made a beeline straight for the racks and barely checked any tags before selecting five costumes for men and women. The skimpy french maid outfit meant that Steve didn't think he'd ever be able to look Pepper in the eye again, especially since it was sized for a man.

Mortified, Steve turned to watch Bruce instead, who browsed around looking for nothing in particular. A whip here, a dildo there; each picked up, examined, and discarded as unfitting for his opaque criteria. He did smile when he came across an obscenely (in Steve's opinion) large green dildo and took it up to the counter to ask about gift wrapping and shipping. And on any other day, it probably would have ended there, but like any good fairy tale, when three people walk into a mysterious shop, they are _each_ going to walk out with something.

So that is, of course, when Steve found it; a blow-up doll of Natasha in the catsuit. He stood staring at it, horrified.

"Dude, you totally have to buy it," said Tony from over his shoulder, causing Steve to jump. Bruce was also there, smiling that slightly unnerving Mona Lisa smile. He nodded in encouragement.

"No," Steve said. "I am not going to buy a…. a…. demeaning representation of Natasha. There is no way on God's Green Earth that I will walk out of this store wi-"

"I'll tell her it's mine." Tony said. "She won't question it."

They walked out with their respective purchases and Bruce wandered off to the nearest Post Office.

Back at the Penthouse kitchen, Tony was showing off the costumes to Pepper, who simply smiled and shook her head. She took them from him and kissed him on the cheek. "Later," she said, looking pointedly at Steve, who was staring at a bowl of mashed potatoes like it was the only thing in the world. Maybe if he planted his face into it, he wouldn't hear them anymore. He was immensely relieved when she left, at least until Natasha walked into the room. Steve's cheeks burned and this time he _did _put his face into the mashed potatoes. Wasting good food was secondary to giving any hint to a lady that you'd bought a sex-aid version of her.

"What's with him?" Natasha asked.

Tony shrugged. "Dunno. Maybe it's because he bought a blow-up doll of you when we were out shopping."

Steve's potato covered face shot up, still clearly red even under all the food. "You said you wouldn't tell her that!"

Tony grinned. He didn't even bother to say that he'd lied, it was already a given.

Natasha sank into a chair at the table. "Oh, is that all? Well at least that merchandising came in handy."

Now it was Tony's turn to look shocked. His jaw worked, but no sound came out. Natasha smirked. "Oh, you didn't know? I figured that if we're going to be famous now that I'd at least make some money off the inevitable pornography. I talked SHIELD into licensing my likeness for _all_ purposes and now I'm almost making double pay." Tony's jaw was still moving up and down. Steve was just staring at the red head.

Natasha turned to him. "It's strange though, Captain. I'd have figured you for the type of person to go for the real thing, not a poor substitute." She winked at him and walked out.

Tony finally found his voice. "You mean I could have been doing that _this whole time_?!"


End file.
